It’s been four days since I was diagnosed with bowel cancer.
I thought I’d be more upset. I thought I’d be crying constantly. I thought my world would cave in. But I’m at work, I’m dressed, I’ve got my make up on and I’m thinking about what to have for lunch. It’s not even 10am yet. Hunger has officially entered the building.
My biggest concerns today are:
- What to have for lunch – I want something which isn’t going to cause me too much discomfort because today they pain isn’t too bad.
- What should I buy for Helen for her birthday?
- Completing my extenuating circumstances for university, as I won’t be sitting my exams or handing in an essay.
I think in my head the main thought is “Tuesday 28 December 2010 my life was one way, and I had thoughts and worries. Dreams, ambitions, goals etc. Monday 10 January 2011 my life as I knew it was taken away, and I was handed a new one, which is a bit more complicated” Things that used to bother me, no longer even register as worry or an irritant. I no longer calorie count. I no longer run for the train that is just departing. I get the next tube, if it’s too crowded. I don’t rush when it’s raining. It’s only rain. I’ve found a calm inside me I didn’t know existed.
My new fears involve worrying about my family, and how they’re coping. How my Employer will treat me. How my friends will treat me. My finances and how I will keep them all in check. My treatment and what’s to come. It’s the unknown that does it for me. It’s one big guessing game. And the big one. Will I see my 30th birthday?