Not the Best Start to the Week

Yesterday I woke up, from quite possibly the worst night I’ve had in months. The last time I can remember having bad dreams was shortly after diagnosis. I used to dream I was in New York the day of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  I guess a cancer diagnosis might bring on unusual dreams.  So, I didn’t sleep well due to bad dreams and being uncomfortable. My hips bones begin to burn if I sleep on them for too long. I sleep on my side as it’s the only way I am comfortable.  Also my right rib cage burns too.  So throughout the night there’s a lot of turning from side to side to stop the burning.  I now realise the dreams were me worrying.  My Mum had her hip replaced yesterday.  For a while I’ve been thinking I might be quite selfish as I don’t seem to acknowledge her worry or fear about the operation.  I do though, and it definitely came through in my horrible dreams.  I also think I was so neutral around her because I didn’t want to let on how worried I was or scared for her.  I’ve been operated on twice very recently and none of it’s been easy or gone to plan.  I didn’t want to be the reminder in the room that operations don’t go smoothly or as per the booklet.  I just kept reminding her to be open minded and to take it hour by hour once the ops done.  And to stop worrying about the actual op, she’d be fast asleep.

I’m pleased to report that she got through her operation and was in the recovery by midday yesterday.  Yesterday I had quite a day. I got up at 9am (early for me). Made breakfast, put make up on (first time in months), got dressed (usually I wear leggings/PJs around the house), tidied up a little, went to Tesco & the Post Office with my dad, then visited Mum for an hour in the afternoon, then went back that evening to see her again.  It doesn’t sound like a lot really, but last night it felt like I’d just finished a marathon.  I crashed at the hospital after getting an upset stomach when with Mum.  Mum asked me when I had finished in the bathroom if I was OK, and the next thing I know I’m sobbing. I was suddenly so tired and worn out I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to leave my Mum on her own because I can remember feeling so lonely when I was in hospital but I couldn’t stay.  I needed to lie down and I needed to be near a toilet.  Mum understood and told me to go straight away. The car journey home was a miserable half hour. Waiting for red lights, hoping my stomach churning would only be pains and I’d be able to wait until home before needing the toilet again. It also didn’t help that every song on the radio made me cry. I’m not sure I should listen to music these days.  Also the MacMillan advert. “We know cancer is a tough journey” That bit at the end of the advert breaks my heart everytime I hear it.  Maybe I should just stop traveling by car.

Once home I went straight to bed where I cried non stop. Over absolutely everything it felt like. I think it knocked me a bit seeing Mum in hospital. It made me realise what my parent’s and friend’s saw when they came to visit.  Every so often I’d try to move in the bed and couldn’t believe how much my body hurt. Every inch of me ached. I’d overdone it, and I should know that happens as I had a horrific experience earlier this year and ended up in bed for three days afterwards.  I finally fell asleep but still tossed and turned all night.

This morning I woke up feeling like I’d had a major work out yesterday. I hobbled downstairs and made hoops on toast for myself (very hungry as only ate toast yesterday) then went back to bed.  I’ve been getting up throughout the day to see the cats, visit bathroom, and have some lunch.  I feel exhausted, and can’t face the thought of doing anything.  I’m due to visit Mum later tonight.  I hope I’m OK enough to go and see her.  This basically means, not an emotional wreck and able to travel without needing the loo.

I think this week is going to be a lot harder than I thought. But I’ll get through it, there just might be a lot of tears. I’m due to see my Surgeon on Thursday too so I’m a bit nervous about that.  I’ve also got to see my Oncologist in October too.   I think this might explain a lot of the tears. I’m dreading seeing her because I have no idea what she’ll tell me. Up until now I’ve known the situation and there’s been a plan. Now I feel like I’m in limbo.


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