Thursday Night – Big Brother, my PJs and a Blog Update

Me

It’s been about a week since my last post.  I feel like loads has happened, but actually not a lot has happened. I’m just very used to living a quiet life.


Where to start… Mum’s home from hospital now and doing really well.  She’s in a much better way than I was a week after the op. Amazing what the body can put up with.  I checked her wound today and she’s got 26 staples compared to my 40+ (I lost count, but it was a lot).  It’s clean and dry.  Hurrah!!!  


We have taken in a Sausage Dog – he’s my sister’s and while she holidays in Mauritius for a month we get to look after him. I was dreading it mostly because of how weak I am and limited I am sometimes, and was worried about Mum not being very mobile. We’ve managed though. I’ve even taken him for walks. Which shocked me because it’s the first time I’ve left the house on my own and walked without stopping for a break.  I’ve not managed walks for the last two days but I’m hoping tomorrow to try again.


I saw my Surgeon. He’s really pleased with my recovery. He’s chuffed with my wounds too. They are so close to being officially “healed” – I’m being patient but I can’t wait to take the dressings off eventually. I’m also looking forward to my first bath since 25 May 2011 – I’m going to stay in there until I’m a total prune.  I’m going to burn all my Diptyque candles and read. Bliss.


I’ve spoken to someone about counselling and it’s currently being organised. I’ve got to a point where I have a lot of questions, thoughts and worries that I’m not really prepared to say out loud to family or friends. I think it’s only now I’ve been allowed to think about what I’ve been through this year.  It overwhelms me if I’m honest.  I might only need a little bit for the time being, and then maybe some more later on in the year. I’m just glad I have the option to talk to someone.


Health wise I’ve probably had better weeks.  I’ve really struggled since Friday with my bowels and yesterday it got a lot worse. But, I think it might be due to me reducing my morphine dose. I hate being on the stuff and I hate that my body relies on it. I’m coming off it gradually but I think my body has finally noticed the drop in dose and doesn’t like it. Yesterday was miserable, but today has improved. I’m not in agony today and living in the bathroom, but I am incredibly grumpy.  I’ve spent the last few days in my room not really wanting to talk to anyone.  I guess I’m allowed days like this.  


Diet wise I’m still trying out fruit and veg and it seems to be going well. I think I might have some issues with egg and tomatoes at the moment, but I’ll keep trying.  This week on the shopping I’ve ordered caramelised onion hummus and doritos. I’ve no idea if it’ll agree, but I fancy trying it. Oh and Coronation Chicken sandwich spread. I’ll probably regret it and I think I’ve just remembered I don’t like that type anyway…. oh well! 


Finally, the picture I’ve posted – it’s me when I was younger. I looked at it the other day and it hit me how young I was then and how I had no idea what my future had in store.  It sort of broke my heart. I wonder if I’ll ever look at a photo taken since 2011 and not think about the cancer or if I’ll wonder how real the smile is.  I’ve noticed I rarely smile. When I do I really feel it, like the muscles aren’t used to it. I like it though when I do because it means for a brief moment something else is on my mind.  Just quickly as well, something rather good happened this evening.  I had been in the bathroom washing my hands and caught sight of my reflection.  Looking back at me was me.  It wasn’t the ill looking person I’ve been seeing for months. It was me. My eyes were shining and my skin is pale but no longer yellow. My freckles stand out and my cheeks are flushed pink.  Even my new short brown hair is acceptable.  I used to look in the mirror when I was in hospital and wonder if I’d ever look like me again.  It’s taken a while but I think I’m getting there now.  These milestones let me know I’m improving, which sometimes I fail to notice, but right now things are better.  Better than 2 months ago.  Better than 8 months ago actually.


I sometimes worry if my blog is a tad miserable and very “oh my life is so tragic” and I’d hate to think people read it and think I’m just moaning when really I have a lot to be happy about.  I just want to explain. I’ve not always been like this. When I was first diagnosed I carried on like I’d been told I had a cold, even through chemo and radiotherapy I managed to find humour in everything.  But I think finally it all caught up with me after the ops and I’ve had a lot of time to sit around and think about things.  I’ve been told I might get angry at some point too. I guess it’s a rollercoaster ride this year, but I promise my goal is to laugh and smile. And to walk for miles just because I can. I want to walk around London until my feet throb. I want to eat in restaurants again. I want to work again. Become a commuter.  Become a sister, daughter and friend again without the patient bit. I’d also quite like to kiss a boy again.

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