I had a moment this evening. Panicking slightly, rushing between the bathroom and my bedroom. Trying to do my bra up, wondering what on earth I was going to wear. Swearing to myself because my bra is getting tighter. Argh. A month ago I was wishing I had bigger boobs. Now I have them. Yes, you got it in one, now I’m moaning about them.
I eventually found something to wear. It didn’t involve zips or buttons. Not at the moment. I’m unfortunately on tablets which have a wonderful side effect: weight gain. Just what I wanted just after Christmas. I can tell you now it wasn’t me who ate all the mince pies. I just look like I did.
I am slightly annoyed though. I had set myself a goal many years ago (HA! I make myself sound like I’m 105). Well, This goal. It was to be happy with my figure and to have stopped smoking. There came a point maybe 5 years ago where I thought the goal was looking really unlikely. Then came along bowel cancer and hey presto goal sorted.
But then I had to go and take the pills that make me gain a billion pounds a minute.
Anyway. So I have until April to sort it out. If you see me eating, tell me to stop, ok?
So, there’s that moan out the way.
Now for the next one. The one that should be my main moan. The big one. It probably is, I’m probably just not talking about it as much as moaning about how my clothes don’t fit me at the moment. Oh also, the Lymphedema won’t be helping. Seriously. It looks like someone has photo shopped someone else’s left leg onto mine. My legs look ridiculous next to one another. Leggings are a big no no. *sobs* Correction. Any trousers look ridiculous at the moment.
Anyway, back to the serious stuff. (My fat leg probably adds half a stone). OK I’ll stop now.
Last week I had a meeting with my Oncologist. One of the most important women in my life.
She told me that the scan has shown that my pelvis and spine are not covered in cancer. Thank you thank you thank you to whoever sorted that out for me. So I’m to have an MRI on the area to have a look in more detail. My Oncologist believes there might be some bone damage, or maybe nerve damage – it might be being pinched. They won’t know until they look at the scan. She’s determined to fix it though because she realises how it’s ruining my quality of life. I am pretty much house bound. I don’t go out unless I have to. This is due to radiotherapy. Strong, lethal stuff. It saved my life, but it’s left me with a very different life now.
Tonight I went to Helen’s 30th birthday party. Beforehand I had to ask if there would be seating. I’m 29. I shouldn’t be asking if there is seating. That’s where I am though with this. I can’t stand for long at all. I end up in severe pain which results in tears if I don’t sit. If there’s no chair, I will sit on the floor. It’s been snowing lately though and I really don’t need to add piles to my list of issues. So I’m not sitting on the floor these days. I can’t walk for very long either. I can just about walk around the supermarket and get some bits. I have to stop every now and then and let me sort of catch my breath because the pain sort of takes my breath away. My boyfriend should be the only the one taking my breath away, so I’m not very happy about that.
So I’m housebound and on pills which make me gain weight. Marvellous. OK, I’ll hush.
Anyway, the Oncologist is hoping to get me sorted. Tomorrow I shall be going into a hospice to get some time out. They’ll also be trying to manage my pain. I’m unable to sleep unless I am sat up and covered up with a duvet. I can’t lay on my back flat or my sides. I end up in excruciating pain and tears start once more. It’s miserable and soul destroying if I’m honest. I can only sleep because they’ve given me Temazepam. The first night I took one it was amazing. i woke up the next morning and I felt amazing. I’d slept. Yes, sat up, but I’d slept and I don’t think there was really any disturbance during the night. Wonderful. I’m taking them now until they get the pain sorted. They’ve kindly agreed I should be allowed to sleep during this miserable period. I’m hoping I will leave with my pain under control and I will feel rested and ready to face the next part of the to do list. It’s not being called a journey or adventure. It is quite simply a task, and it needs to be completed quickly and with lots of effort. We need good results from this.
The next task is radiotherapy to my abdomen – quite high up – left side of my torso – just above the stomach maybe. I have a lymph node that has been well behaved for two years and then decided between October and January to have a growth spurt. It’s now 12mm, which means I’m not cancer free. It does mean the little bugger is being blasted into another dimension. Good bye and don’t come back, you’re really not welcome.
Then at some point I’m hoping and praying someone out there will decide I’ve had my lot with this cancer malarky and let me get on with having the life I want. I want to get to my 30th birthday more than anything. I want to have a frozen yogurt birthday cake and celebrate it with the people I love and care about. I also want to get a tattoo for my 30th. I know what I’m getting too. I decided tonight. It might not look like much but it will have meaning to me. Lots of meaning and every time I look at it I’l be reminded of the one goal I had throughout the last two years. I’m suddenly very excited about getting my tattoo.
So that’s my news really. I’ve been thrown another curve ball which I could really do without, but there’s a plan of action and we’ll do it. I’l get there in the end.
I promised myself that 2013 wouldn’t be about illness and I’m not going to let it. I don’t want this illness to stop me doing things, the things I want to enjoy.
So, the plan is to get sorted and then spend time with my friends and the boyfriend. We need another trip, like the Weymouth trip that we both really enjoyed. Obviously it won’t be exactly the same, but to have the freedom to do it and the energy to keep up and to be drug free to be allowed to have a cheeky vodka or 5 should be allowed, after all I am turning 30 in April. I want to be fixed so I can really enjoy this year, because I get the feeling even though I’ve been handed another lump of shit to deal with, it will be a very good year. It’s been decided.
So cancer, you need to do one and very very soon.
Oh and my clothes will fit me again, I am not buying more bloody clothes, especially a size bigger. No frickin’ way.
Oh and the good news, because there needs to be some. I have hair again and a hair cut needs to organised. Oh House of Charles Worthington and Dani..oh how I’ve missed you!