Freedom.

I’ve had a little celebration today.  This time last week I hadn’t been very well at all.  *Throws self at wood* But, touch wood, the meds seem to be working.  I’ve had a week of being OK.

For the first time in approximately 6 months I’ve managed a whole week without being unwell.  There’s been no rushing to the toilet or long periods of time spent in the loo.  There’s been no tears either.  I feel human again.

I’ve eaten too.  I’ve eaten foods I want to eat.

The white bread, chicken, bananas, honey and rice have gone.  Now I’m able to eat the food I need to eat.  Food which makes me feel like I’m doing something to keep me OK. I’m reading Anti Cancer: A New Way of Life by Dr David Servan-Schreiber.  I wish this book had been available when I was a teenager and it’s one of those books I think everyone needs to read, affected by cancer or not.

If there’s one question you want to stump me on, in person it is “Why do you think you got bowel cancer?”.  It bugs me that I can’t give anyone a proper exact answer.  I like facts and figures you see.

Mr Surgeon puts it down to a case of very bad luck.  Sometimes I’m OK with that for an explanation – to a certain degree.  I seem to attract bad luck.  However, there are times when I think it must have been me.  My diet and my life style.  Somewhere inside, I wonder if I just didn’t help matters. 

Now I’m in a position where I want to live my life.  I want to get on with things.  Not just bucket list things, but everyday things.  I also want to make sure I am providing my body with the goodness it needs and deserves.

Right now is what I’d been day dreaming about and looking forward to when I was in hospital.  I used to think about it for hours.  I’d make lists of things I’d do once I was well again. 

Here is just a very small example:

  • Watch a DVD and have a take away/treat with Helen (OK, not done that yet, but it’ll happen)
  • Walk from Waterloo to London Bridge along the Thames, then cross over the bridge and walk through the City back down to the Strand and back over Waterloo bridge.  The last time I did that it was probably 2 weeks before the diagnosis kicked off.  I did that walk because I needed to clear my head and because walking was the only time I couldn’t feel the pain.  Next time I do it, I just want to walk and take it all in.
  • Go to London Zoo again
  • Go to Paris
  • Have a day out with Sara and Maria
  • Spend an evening in a pub with friends
  • Go for a meal with my family

Such simple things eh?  Not that simple if you lose your freedom due to illness.  Suddenly I craved everyday things.  I still do.

A delayed train, crowded tube or being stuck outside on a really wet day just reminds me everything is OK again.

Finally, I feel like I’ve turned a proper corner.  I’ve had clear scan results and the positive appointments with Oncologist and Surgeon.  Everything is looking OK.  I always wondered why I wasn’t that excited about the good news.  I felt so incredibly ungrateful at times.

It’s only this week though that I realise for me to feel like everything was OK again, really Ok, like I’d made it out the other side.  I needed my freedom back.

God bless that glue like drink I’m drinking throughout the day.  It’s done more than sort my stomach out.

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